Weather like this can contribute to the expat blues by cogdogblog
Let’s face it, China can be a pretty tough place to live. When you combine language barriers, gloomy weather (at least in Central and Northern China), culture shock, homesickness, and always having to smile to get your picture taken, it can be downright depressing. Back in the winter, I had a rather difficult time finding my China niche, and I have been noticing several of my friends and colleagues going through similar feelings right now. As such, I would like to take the chance to share a few tips that I used to overcome my own China Blues, and learn to fall in love with this great country once more.
(DISCLAIMER: Before I get started, I would like to state that in no way, shape, or form do I claim to be an expert on the field of depression. I am mearly sharing my own experiences with hope that it may help others in a similar situation. Should these not prove helpful to you, please consider seeking extra help from a trained professional)
Tip #1:Â Keep Up With Home
I have found during both this and a previous stint abroad that it is obviously difficult to be away from your friends and family, but what is more difficult is the profound realization that their lives continue without you. While this may seem to be obvious, nobody expects their friends and family to be on pause without them, yet it can be very difficult to know that there are family dinners or bar nights with your friends going on that you are not a part of.
I found a great deal of personal gain came from doing what I can to be somehow involved with any sort of daily life or routines that I may be missing. Convincing your family or friends to give you a call or send an e-mail when they all get together can go a long way to making you feel like you are at home.
This extends to any sort of mass experience that you would be having back home. When I see my friends making jokes on Facebook about the new episode of The Office, or talk about the NHL playoffs, I can’t help but feel a little left out. Thankfully, with the internet and some of China’s less legal industries (i.e. pirated DVDs) it is easy to get caught up and be involved in the same things.
Also do not underestimate the shock of having things be somehow different when you get home. A simple thing like having your old childhood room repainted, or one of your friends getting a new boyfriend/girlfriend can really make you feel like you are not a part of your old life anymore. As such, it can help a lot if you routinely ask people what they are doing, and try to stay updated. Again, that sounds simple, but conversations I have with people back home tend to drift to what I am doing, since it is obviously of interest, in particular to people who have not been to this part of the world, and it is easy to neglect any changes that are going on back home. Try to get the people important to you back home to regularly send you any pictures (or post them on a site like Facebook or Flickr) it can go a long way to reduce the shock or isolation.
Lastly, if there is a major event in your life that you can’t be home for, try to find some way to be there. When I lived abroad previously my grandfather passed away; while I was sad at his passing, I was more upset that I could not be there for the funeral, and help my family through the ordeal. This year, my grandmother passed away, and I had similar emotions. My older sister, who was speaking at the funeral, asked me if I wanted her to say a few words on my behalf. After giving this some thought, I wrote down a few words, e-mailed it to her, which she said at the funeral. This made me feel in many more ways like I was there, in some capacity, and lessened those difficult feelings that I had a few years ago. A simple few words to be spoken on your behalf, or a video greeting can go a long way to making you feel more connected and a part of a larger event.
They don't have this at home...
Tip #2:Â Give Yourself Something to Look Forward To
This is probably more of a general tip than an expat specific one. But when one gets in the routine of going to work and going home, it is easy to get into a rut and forget about some of the greater things in life.
If you are living in a new and exciting place this should not be too difficult. Just simply be a tourist. Set plans to go away for a few days, or if your schedule does not allow it, take in some Chinese Opera, or another interesting cultural experience.  While this country can be infuriating at times, there are a lot of amazing things here that can be explored with very little effort, just crack open your travel book to the region you live in and find something worth seeing or doing.
Tip #3:Â Find Something to Succeed At
Sometimes it seems like nothing is easy here. From going to dinner, to catching the bus, it is easy to have some sort of difficulty, and this can make someone feel inept for not “getting it”.
As such, it can be really helpful if you can give yourself something to be able to do and feel good about yourself. Personally, I tried to throw myself into the language study with hopes of finding it empowering, but found that to be a mixed blessing. Whenever I felt like I was getting somewhere, and decide to practice outside of my classroom, I would always find myself making mistakes and getting frustrated. While I would never suggest that anyone give up language study (as it certainly can help you accomplish other things on this list), part of learning a new language is making mistakes and learning from them, so it may not be the most empowering thing, especially in the short term.
I myself, decided to take a SCUBA diving lesson on my trip to Thailand over Chinese New Year and found that it did just the trick. While I understand that the schedule or costs may prohibit that from everyone, there are certainly other options. Everything from martial arts lessons, to art classes, to just going for a run everyday. It sometimes takes a bit of effort to feel empowered (especially if you are in a funk) but a simple kick in your own rear end can go a long way.
Tip #4:Â Remember Why You Are Here
Perhaps the best bit of advice I received on the topic of living abroad was from my friend Colin, who told me “Remember why you are here, and realize that you may need to do it alone”. This was a huge boost during a rut, and helped me reassess my priorities.
So ask yourself, why are you here? Is it to learn a language? Have new experiences? Make new friends? Get away from old ones? Save money?
If you remind yourself just why you decided to move abroad, it can go a long way to helping you decide just how you are going to achieve those goals.
Tip #5:Â Find the Balance
The concept of balance has a long history in China by easyflow
I realize that the first four tips are a bit of a mixed bag. Staying in touch with home, while exploring somewhere new are not exactly the most complementary tasks, especially not while you have a regular life to live.
It obviously takes a bit of balance, and certainly some trial and error, but don’t give up. Everyone has their own balance on these issues, and it is part of the process of finding your own. Do you feel like you are spending too much time being focused at home that you are not paying attention to life around you? Do you feel like you are ignoring your friends and family back home at the expense of your “new” life? How about any professional responsibilities? It’s important to know yourself a little bit and find an appropriate mixture of them all.
Tip #6:Â Never Forget:Â You Are Not Alone
China is full of expats, and chances are that they are all either going through similar feelings, or have gone through them in the past. Count on those around you to help you through your tough times, and pay it forward by helping others as best you can.
If you are in an area that is low on expats, or feel like you do not have strong enough connections, there is always the internet. There are several online communities and forums, like this one, where you can share your experiences and hope for feedback. While the internet lacks the personal touch of face-to-face talks, it has the added benefit of anonymity and is not limited by simple things like distance. I think that the best support would come from a mixture of the two, in order to maximize both benefits.
Of course, these are just the first six things that I could think of, and are by no means comprehensive. Does anyone out there in comment land have any additional solutions or personal stories? They could go a long way to help someone out.
i’d add don’t get stuck in a rut. if you’re hating your esl job and not happy with the town you’re in, remember that you’re (probably) not looking to be a career esl teacher in that one place and you have options. a change of scene never hurt anyone.
i have to remind myself of then whenever the southern jiangsu bright beige skies start eating away at my soul. unfortunately my change of scene involves returning to shanghai, which is only slightly better. summer haze is now officially my least favourite weather condition.
Good Advice – I was expat for a short 2.5 years. #1 was definitely most helpful for me. #5 for me was also tie back to home. I made a point to always remember b’days, etc. It was good for them and good for me.
Let me add a #7. When / if you leave, you’ll wish you were back there. The blue days as an EX – EX-PAT far outweigh the ones you have as an EX-PAT. Trust me on this!
ok all joking aside – you do have to watch out for #1.) China has made many a career alcoholic
I’ve found something that really rejuvenates me is direct sunlight – if you live in what Kellen describes as the constant fluorescent glow of East China – those dreary concrete skies – get somewhere like Hainan or Yunnan with blue skies and sunlight – amazing what it can do to a disposition
Another great post Glen, and advice that even long-time expats would do well reading through. I know that I’ve let a lot of these slide over the years here. Things I used to be focused on (ie. travel, language acquisition, etc.) have slipped into the background. As has following the lives of friends and family back home. E-mails from home used to be the first e-mails I replied to, now they wait until I’m not as busy.
@David: Being an ex-expat is one of my biggest fears. As much as I bitch about life here, it really does define so much of my day-to-day life.
@John: I’ve met a few, and surely toed the line myself. Cheap booze and lack of social support/consequence can be a dangerous thing here. Not just with alcohol, but with sanity as well. No shortage of truly lost laowai.
Would also agree with both you and Kellen – weather is a must. It’s something I’ll be changing in the relatively near future. I’m tired of these “concrete skies”.
Good points Glen. I’d say, of the above points, what’s most important is having something to work towards- whether it’s a skill like Chinese or tai chi or a more conventional skill like writing that you simply happen to be developing here in China.
There are indeed a number of ‘lost’ laowai. Alcoholism is a scourge in China among expats who find themselves stuck- something I think is particularly acute in my adopted hometown of Kunming due to the fine weather, easy lifestyle, and low cost of living.
Good advice. I’ve definitely failed at the first one. Goals are important and they often help you keep in mind why you’re here in the first place, whether it’s to learn Chinese or get a job at somewhere other than Arby’s, or what have you.
I try to keep the good moments in mind and because I’m pretty simple, food always cheers me up. Being able to buy pineapple on a stick or discover new street food or favorite dishes at restaurants never fails to cheer me up.
Valuing the uniqueness or the difference of China also reminds me how glad I am not to be in the Midwest still. Last night the guy ahead of me in the checkout line tried to return 5 packages of duck’s blood. Couldn’t help but love it. Jia you!
This is an excellent and very practical post. I also lost a grandparent while here and can really relate to feeling left out of family events; it’s one of the toughest things to not be around your family when they are going through rough times. The point you make in #6 can be counterproductive though – hanging out with other expats can make homesick feelings worse. I hate finding myself in a company of expats who are just ragging on China. My ‘you are not alone’ point would be to make some Chinese friends. It’s more effort than making/sustaining a friendship with someone that shares a language and cultural background with you, especially if your language skills are just developing, but really is one of the best aspects of living in China and key to feeling at home here.
I’d say hanging out with other expats has a great degree of value, though it does depend, I suppose, on which expats one hangs out with.
A major reason why I’ve been here as long as I have is having been inspired by various other expats who helped me see the value of learning the language well, understanding the culture, and cultivating friendships with people within the cities I’ve lived in.
There are of course those who spend their time abroad whining about China and pining from home, but they can be avoided, even in the smallest of cities.
Good friends are definitely a must – I don’t think this is a foreigner thing or a Chinese thing – I think it’s a human thing. When we have good friends (of which I count several LLW authors, incl. Glen) we have a wonderful distraction to the difficulties that can mar laowai life in China. Whether commiserating or celebrating life here, friends are a definite blues-killer.
@everyone: Thanks for the nice comments on this one! It’s good to get the support, especially after all the “debates” caused by my last few posts 🙂
@David: Like Ryan, I’m terrified of how being an ex-ex-pat is going to be. As much as we all tend to complain about some little things here, China realyl is a wonderful palce, and there certainly are things to complain about back home.
@Ryan: We’re friends? Well, I’ll be damned, news to me 🙂
With Tip #6, I intended to emphasize the fact that there are litterally millions of people who can empathise with your feelings. While I think that local freinds have a great deal of value, they may not be able to understand some fundamental difficulties you may be experiencing. Can they understand difficulties with the language? Not seeing your family or long-time friends? Of coruse they, can help you set new roots here, but they can not give you the guidance in dealing with your own personal issues.
Glen, keep up the good work. It seems to me that some people deliberately take comments or specific words you use and skew or take them out of context so they can post self-indulgent remarks – quite often hypocritical to the point of giving me a good chuckle. The intended meaning is as clear as ‘flock’ to me anyway 😉 At least it challanges you to dig deeper. Looking forward to the continuation and evolution of your posts as your time in China plods along.
Matty K, I give you an honest and genuine thank you for that comment and support. The internet can be a rather hypocritical place sometimes. I’m glad that you get what the flock I’m talking about 🙂
Like what you write Glen and its definitely food for thought….but..anybody ever thought about expat wives??? Dealing with expat blues is an even bigger task for those helpless ones at home when the hubby is working. To top it all possibly look after children/babies in a strange place with no help, no reccreation, quit your own job/career and no family/friends. Dayem !!! It’s hell !
How about getting a job, or quitting whining?
You’re not having the stresses of the workplace in addition to language barrier, moving to a new country etc etc.
Yeah Bemused, its people like you who just make it harder by using the term ‘whining’ for us. BTW – we’re dealing with language barrier probably MORE than men at work, with plumbers, electricians, school even grocers. I wish it was easy to get back to work….its the ‘whining’ by people like you who forget that we have to QUIT our jobs to raise the children…which uh both parents have to raise!?. Why dont you try quitting your job, be home raising a child in a different country? But NO work is important, so let the wives whine away:))
Apologies for my tone but your ‘whining’ without sentiment or understanding pissed me off. So much so for sharing a thought on a blog !
She also doesn’t have the support of a handful of fellow weigouren or colleagues to help her. While my job does cause me stress, it also gives me a support system at times. Talk about isolation. Bemused, that was insensitive and unkind.
I realize it’s an entirely ignorant thing to say, as the plight of the Taitai deserves more credit than I give it, but I’d switch “jobs” with you any day Electra.
While your husband is off navigating the even trickier and more frustrating world of business in China, you can spend your time doing/learning any of the number of things most of us would love to have more time for.
As for kids – surely it’s easier to look after them in China, where an ayi is the norm and virtually everything else is cheaper.
I realize it’s not exactly being fed grapes and having an oiled Adonis fanning you – but it’s also not working the grind to scrape out a living.
Thanks Ryan…its motivating. But I guess if I needed an ayi to raise my child, why would we have one. Atleast one parent needs to be with the child rather than being raised by a third person whose not even family.
However in a more positive note, although its still hard to pursue a hobby (no time between home and kid) its easier to have expat moms as friends. We motivate eachother and share things in common to make it easier. I’m still amazed though, how most males on this blog consider an expat wife’s role easier. Question is how many would actually switch and live through years of it once the novelty of being home wears off.
It’s a fair question and one I’ll (in some part) be able to find out in a couple months when my wife gives birth to our first. I’ll be a work-at-home dad, and so it’s sure to be a challenge.
My mention of an ayi was not really as a nanny, but as an “everything-else’r”. We’ll be getting an ayi once our baby is born not to help raise the kid (that, I feel, is our job), but to assist with the other stuff (namely help cleaning up) specifically so we have more time to spend with our kid.
My initial comment was more geared towards moms whose kids are at school all day, and not ones with infants (as that’s definitely no light job). Staying at home all day with no responsibilities is most definitely easier than working — it may be boring and less rewarding (both things that are pretty easily remedied) — but it’s definitely easier.
My husband and I are considering a temp. asignment in Shenchen. I will be staying home to care for our two children. My youngest(6yrs) has epilepsy and my oldest(9yrs) has learning disabilities. Does anyone have any experience with either of these issues?
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i’d add don’t get stuck in a rut. if you’re hating your esl job and not happy with the town you’re in, remember that you’re (probably) not looking to be a career esl teacher in that one place and you have options. a change of scene never hurt anyone.
i have to remind myself of then whenever the southern jiangsu bright beige skies start eating away at my soul. unfortunately my change of scene involves returning to shanghai, which is only slightly better. summer haze is now officially my least favourite weather condition.
Good Advice – I was expat for a short 2.5 years. #1 was definitely most helpful for me. #5 for me was also tie back to home. I made a point to always remember b’days, etc. It was good for them and good for me.
Let me add a #7. When / if you leave, you’ll wish you were back there. The blue days as an EX – EX-PAT far outweigh the ones you have as an EX-PAT. Trust me on this!
Good post….I’ve been here awhile – over a decade – and although I call it home – I still miss Canada….
of course if the above doesnt work you can always rely on the old stand-bys to get you out of a rut
1.) cheap beer
2.) foot massages
3.) happy endings….
ok all joking aside – you do have to watch out for #1.) China has made many a career alcoholic
I’ve found something that really rejuvenates me is direct sunlight – if you live in what Kellen describes as the constant fluorescent glow of East China – those dreary concrete skies – get somewhere like Hainan or Yunnan with blue skies and sunlight – amazing what it can do to a disposition
Another great post Glen, and advice that even long-time expats would do well reading through. I know that I’ve let a lot of these slide over the years here. Things I used to be focused on (ie. travel, language acquisition, etc.) have slipped into the background. As has following the lives of friends and family back home. E-mails from home used to be the first e-mails I replied to, now they wait until I’m not as busy.
@David: Being an ex-expat is one of my biggest fears. As much as I bitch about life here, it really does define so much of my day-to-day life.
@John: I’ve met a few, and surely toed the line myself. Cheap booze and lack of social support/consequence can be a dangerous thing here. Not just with alcohol, but with sanity as well. No shortage of truly lost laowai.
Would also agree with both you and Kellen – weather is a must. It’s something I’ll be changing in the relatively near future. I’m tired of these “concrete skies”.
easier, faster, more certain method, drop the local upbringing you once had and be a citizen of the world ..
there is then nothing to be “ex”patriot from .. everywhere is normal life, nowhere is foreign
Good points Glen. I’d say, of the above points, what’s most important is having something to work towards- whether it’s a skill like Chinese or tai chi or a more conventional skill like writing that you simply happen to be developing here in China.
There are indeed a number of ‘lost’ laowai. Alcoholism is a scourge in China among expats who find themselves stuck- something I think is particularly acute in my adopted hometown of Kunming due to the fine weather, easy lifestyle, and low cost of living.
Good advice. I’ve definitely failed at the first one. Goals are important and they often help you keep in mind why you’re here in the first place, whether it’s to learn Chinese or get a job at somewhere other than Arby’s, or what have you.
I try to keep the good moments in mind and because I’m pretty simple, food always cheers me up. Being able to buy pineapple on a stick or discover new street food or favorite dishes at restaurants never fails to cheer me up.
Valuing the uniqueness or the difference of China also reminds me how glad I am not to be in the Midwest still. Last night the guy ahead of me in the checkout line tried to return 5 packages of duck’s blood. Couldn’t help but love it. Jia you!
This is an excellent and very practical post. I also lost a grandparent while here and can really relate to feeling left out of family events; it’s one of the toughest things to not be around your family when they are going through rough times. The point you make in #6 can be counterproductive though – hanging out with other expats can make homesick feelings worse. I hate finding myself in a company of expats who are just ragging on China. My ‘you are not alone’ point would be to make some Chinese friends. It’s more effort than making/sustaining a friendship with someone that shares a language and cultural background with you, especially if your language skills are just developing, but really is one of the best aspects of living in China and key to feeling at home here.
I’d say hanging out with other expats has a great degree of value, though it does depend, I suppose, on which expats one hangs out with.
A major reason why I’ve been here as long as I have is having been inspired by various other expats who helped me see the value of learning the language well, understanding the culture, and cultivating friendships with people within the cities I’ve lived in.
There are of course those who spend their time abroad whining about China and pining from home, but they can be avoided, even in the smallest of cities.
Good friends are definitely a must – I don’t think this is a foreigner thing or a Chinese thing – I think it’s a human thing. When we have good friends (of which I count several LLW authors, incl. Glen) we have a wonderful distraction to the difficulties that can mar laowai life in China. Whether commiserating or celebrating life here, friends are a definite blues-killer.
@everyone: Thanks for the nice comments on this one! It’s good to get the support, especially after all the “debates” caused by my last few posts 🙂
@David: Like Ryan, I’m terrified of how being an ex-ex-pat is going to be. As much as we all tend to complain about some little things here, China realyl is a wonderful palce, and there certainly are things to complain about back home.
@Ryan: We’re friends? Well, I’ll be damned, news to me 🙂
With Tip #6, I intended to emphasize the fact that there are litterally millions of people who can empathise with your feelings. While I think that local freinds have a great deal of value, they may not be able to understand some fundamental difficulties you may be experiencing. Can they understand difficulties with the language? Not seeing your family or long-time friends? Of coruse they, can help you set new roots here, but they can not give you the guidance in dealing with your own personal issues.
Glen, keep up the good work. It seems to me that some people deliberately take comments or specific words you use and skew or take them out of context so they can post self-indulgent remarks – quite often hypocritical to the point of giving me a good chuckle. The intended meaning is as clear as ‘flock’ to me anyway 😉 At least it challanges you to dig deeper. Looking forward to the continuation and evolution of your posts as your time in China plods along.
Matty K, I give you an honest and genuine thank you for that comment and support. The internet can be a rather hypocritical place sometimes. I’m glad that you get what the flock I’m talking about 🙂
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Like what you write Glen and its definitely food for thought….but..anybody ever thought about expat wives??? Dealing with expat blues is an even bigger task for those helpless ones at home when the hubby is working. To top it all possibly look after children/babies in a strange place with no help, no reccreation, quit your own job/career and no family/friends. Dayem !!! It’s hell !
How about getting a job, or quitting whining?
You’re not having the stresses of the workplace in addition to language barrier, moving to a new country etc etc.
Yeah Bemused, its people like you who just make it harder by using the term ‘whining’ for us. BTW – we’re dealing with language barrier probably MORE than men at work, with plumbers, electricians, school even grocers. I wish it was easy to get back to work….its the ‘whining’ by people like you who forget that we have to QUIT our jobs to raise the children…which uh both parents have to raise!?. Why dont you try quitting your job, be home raising a child in a different country? But NO work is important, so let the wives whine away:))
Apologies for my tone but your ‘whining’ without sentiment or understanding pissed me off. So much so for sharing a thought on a blog !
She also doesn’t have the support of a handful of fellow weigouren or colleagues to help her. While my job does cause me stress, it also gives me a support system at times. Talk about isolation. Bemused, that was insensitive and unkind.
I realize it’s an entirely ignorant thing to say, as the plight of the Taitai deserves more credit than I give it, but I’d switch “jobs” with you any day Electra.
While your husband is off navigating the even trickier and more frustrating world of business in China, you can spend your time doing/learning any of the number of things most of us would love to have more time for.
As for kids – surely it’s easier to look after them in China, where an ayi is the norm and virtually everything else is cheaper.
I realize it’s not exactly being fed grapes and having an oiled Adonis fanning you – but it’s also not working the grind to scrape out a living.
Thanks Ryan…its motivating. But I guess if I needed an ayi to raise my child, why would we have one. Atleast one parent needs to be with the child rather than being raised by a third person whose not even family.
However in a more positive note, although its still hard to pursue a hobby (no time between home and kid) its easier to have expat moms as friends. We motivate eachother and share things in common to make it easier. I’m still amazed though, how most males on this blog consider an expat wife’s role easier. Question is how many would actually switch and live through years of it once the novelty of being home wears off.
It’s a fair question and one I’ll (in some part) be able to find out in a couple months when my wife gives birth to our first. I’ll be a work-at-home dad, and so it’s sure to be a challenge.
My mention of an ayi was not really as a nanny, but as an “everything-else’r”. We’ll be getting an ayi once our baby is born not to help raise the kid (that, I feel, is our job), but to assist with the other stuff (namely help cleaning up) specifically so we have more time to spend with our kid.
My initial comment was more geared towards moms whose kids are at school all day, and not ones with infants (as that’s definitely no light job). Staying at home all day with no responsibilities is most definitely easier than working — it may be boring and less rewarding (both things that are pretty easily remedied) — but it’s definitely easier.
My husband and I are considering a temp. asignment in Shenchen. I will be staying home to care for our two children. My youngest(6yrs) has epilepsy and my oldest(9yrs) has learning disabilities. Does anyone have any experience with either of these issues?