Recall the old expression: teachers are to act in loco parentis. This means, if my high school Latin still serves me, that during school hours the teachers are responsible for assuming the role of parents in the lives of their students. Yet as anyone knows, this doesn’t really work. As teenagers, the last things we needed were extra parents. What we needed, and wanted, were independent adult figures to help us guide our way through those trying years and prepare us for adulthood. Oh, and teach us a practical thing or two while they were at it.
In Chinese high schools, various factors add a few wrinkles to the common theme. For Senior Grade 3 students, their lives revolve around passing the 高考, university entrance examinations whose results are hugely deterministic in their lives. That year, their already miniscule free time evaporates to nil. The American-style “senior year” experience depicted in Hollywood bears absolutely no relation to their reality. Life becomes reduced to studying with occasional, fleeting interruptions.
In addition, the traditional Chinese family structure often means that other adult relatives, such as grandparents, aunts, and uncles, have a parent-like role in the teenager’s life. I once knew a woman whose fledgling relationship with a Western friend of mine was vetoed not by her father, but by her father’s brother. Discussions with Chinese friends indicate that this sort of behavior is not at all abnormal. As a result, quite a few Chinese teenagers lack a sympathetic adult figure in their family to go to for extra-parental advice.
At school, most teachers are hardly better. Should a high schooler be caught having a romantic relationship with a classmate, the parents of both are immediately notified and the two are severely reprimanded. Teachers, I would say, are part of the parental apparatus in the students’ lives, further reducing the window for a typical Chinese high schooler to interact with adults “on their side”.
Enter the foreign English teacher. While Westerners of all ages teach ESL in China, a large number are barely adults themselves: often less than five years older than the students they teach. The Western style of teaching allows for a more flexible interaction within the classroom, allowing for students and teachers to bond more easily. Laowai teachers also earn a relatively generous salary and work far less than their colleagues, permitting an expanded life of leisure. Our exoticism alone intrigues the students, eager for a glimpse of a culture that heretofore existed only on screen. Add traditional Chinese hospitality, and what results is a wide range of opportunities to get to know the teenagers you teach.
Most students will be too busy or too indifferent to bother getting to know their foreign teacher, but more than a few will take any opportunity to interact. Several proficient in English will use their foreign language as a sort of secret code, in which what they say and hear exists in a different, non-Chinese world. Some will move to establish a relationship that exceeds the normal boundaries of teachers and students.
For the teacher, what is the appropriate way to act in these situations? Here are a few guidelines I employed back in the day that may be of some use to those of you still in the trenches:
-If your student invites you to eat dinner with his family, or go on a weekend outing, don’t be afraid to accept. This is merely an extension of traditional hospitality and is by no means inappropriate.
– Lunches and dinners are cool, too, but if at a restaurant with your student(s) go easy on the booze. And avoid bar outings altogether.
– Confidentiality issues are a bit trickier. Your students will probably confide in you things they wouldn’t tell their parents, and should they choose to do so keep it to yourself. However, if you do feel that a student is in danger, this policy doesn’t apply. Notify the school. Remember, you’re the adult. Be in control.
-It goes without saying, but any sort of sexual contact with an underage (high school) student is completely unacceptable. In fact, I would refrain from touching your students at all. A hand on the shoulder may seem innocent to you, but could send a different signal to a teenager. Handshakes, I would say, are the only exception here.
-There are areas in which a little leeway is ok. While your Chinese colleagues are requested to report any sign of a relationship between two students to their parents, remember that you may be the only person your student can speak to about a subject that features heavily in their personal life. If a student approaches you about a relationship issue, listen, but don’t pry.
-You will likely stay in touch with some of your favorite students for a long time, and one of the great pleasures I’ve received in China is tracking their progress as they go on to university and live their lives. Obviously, at this point, the above rules don’t apply…but it might be wise to avoid behaving like Donald Sutherland in Animal House all the same. If you are a good teacher, you’ll have your students’ respect forever, no matter how old you both are.
I’m sure most of you are thinking: this is all common sense. And it is, of course. But I have heard of several situations in which teachers have gotten into trouble with gestures or behavior that they (and most of us) would regard as innocent. An American male teacher I know was overheard remarking that a high school student he taught was “a beautiful girl” and nearly lost his job after the ensuing fallout. What seems normal and natural to you might not to someone from a different culture and in a very different life situation. Therefore, it’s always wise to err on the side of caution.
Definitely good advice Matt – cheers for sharing. I’ve taught pretty much every level of student in China at some point and find that kids at that high school level are the most challenging, but also the most rewarding.
It’s no coincidence either that the teachers I remember most (due to impact, not just length of time) are my high school teachers.
Regardless of age though, that teacher-student relationship is something (us) ESL teachers can easily forget. The job tends to be a break from “real life” and quickly becomes just a distraction in the way of travelling and experiencing living in a different country/culture.
Your post is a good reminder of the impact even (especially) foreign teachers can have.
One more about lunches, dinner, outing, etc.
Be very sure that there is a third matured person around. And if you can’t avoid being in a room with your student alone, leave the door open, or go outside. You can’t be too careful.
Ryan,
Thanks. Quite a few of us, especially in the beginning, have a footloose and fancy-free attitude toward being in China, sort of a “what happens here stays here” attitude. So it’s instructive to remember that as teachers, we leave deep impressions on our students and our relationship with them isn’t to be taken too lightly.
Ben,
The “door open” policy is a good one and something I forgot to mention.
These should be common sense, but there are definitely a lot of foreign teachers who seem to lack such sense. I avoid interacting outside of school with my students because I want to maintain a student/teacher relationship (i.e. I don’t want them thinking they’ll get a better grade because of it). However, the rules change a bit when working at a training center–outside activities are much more acceptable then.
Interesting post and not least because of the references to the students not having a sympathetic ear. I was initially amazed at the “agony aunt” role I played to some of my students, most often boys, and been almost speechless at their requests for advice. That they feel there’s no-one else to turn to, and choose to explain their dilemmas in English, to a woman… I do think there’s something in the separateness of using a different language to communicate though, as well as perceived freedoms, that encourages this.
Great advice. One day we should put together a good newcomer’s primer for teachers with work like this.
One other thing… many of my Chinese students talk about the foreign teacher they made friends with and confided in, but then the teacher left China and they never heard from the teacher again. More of the “what happens in China stays in China” attitude – or is it some kind of “those students were not real people like my friends at home (whom I would never dream of treating this way if they confided things like this to me or put this much effort into our relationship)”? Incredibly painful to the student, who took a risk in confiding to or making friends with this foreigner, only to be ignored/dropped once the foreigner leaves. At least send a new year’s greeting, people, to the students with whom you spent the most time.
new to these forums and this post strikes me as a little ridiculous. Those who ignore it, do so, and are well aware of what goes on. Those who do not, subject themselves to western morality. curious.
Dan q,
Not sure if morality has anything to do with it. I think most of this advice is simply practical.
Edot, what you’ve mentioned is a good point and highlights the confusion that crossing boundaries causes, especially for the student, but not exclusively so. I know teachers who have felt the loss of former student “friends” deeply.
Any relationship is a two way street, requiring committments from both sides to be maintained and sometimes this simply isn’t possible, or practical. Whilst a student may only have one foreign teacher, the average foreign teacher has hundreds of students.
I have found that students “move on” to new foreign teachers readily enough, and have their own circle of Chinese friends to advise and support them. My role as a confidant for my students is usually temporary, and once they have received advice they are happy enough to move on. I too have fulfilled my “role” and expect nothing more.
I have maintained contact with very few students, despite hundreds having my email address and this suits me fine. Those that keep in touch with me, I absolutely respond to, I love hearing about their lives/jobs and knowing I’ve helped them feels pretty good.
Of course, teachers are not perfect, we make mistakes, or perhaps don’t have the time or desire to maintain friendships with students when we return “home”, but I feel (based on my experience) this is a minority of teachers.