Freezin’ your laowai ass off? Tips for staying warm

With us expats in China deep into the country’s chilly months, perhaps we’re a little late for these tips – but none the less, here’s a bit of advice for anyone currently reading this with gloves on.

Now, quite obviously these don’t apply to big-salary expats that are living in apartments with floor-heating and double-glazed windows. But for the rest of us poor whelps that frequently get blown over by the drafts running through our apartments, some of these might help.

1. Long Underwear

Ah, few things say “winter in China” better than long johns. As any laowai with Chinese spouses will tell you, long underwear is an essential garment of clothing the minute a cool breeze begins to blow through the country.

And what is largely just a joke for us expats, is actually worn for good reason in China – the heating sucks. This extra layer of clothing does an amazing job of helping keep your heat in and the draft out. For the few kuai it costs, this is high up on our list of ‘staying warm solutions’. Plus it gives you bonus “like-a-local” points that you’re welcome to pompously hold over other laowai’s heads.

Note: dancing around the apartment in nothing but long johns is frowned upon.

2. Clean your filters

If you’re lucky enough to be in an apartment that has wall-mounted, or floor-based heater/air conditioners then you’re a step up from a number of places I’ve lived. However, you may have noticed that the output from these magic boxes of climate control blows… or rather doesn’t at all.

The trickle of sweet heat that should be warming your home is barely enough to warm your hands while pressed right up against the oscillating flaps. Though it’s very possible that your unit is of poor quality (QC being what it is in this country) and just plain doesn’t work, before you throw it seven floors to its doom, check its filters.

Most, if not all, of these units contain reusable air-filters that understandably get mucked up from sucking in China’s high-quality air on a continual basis. Simply lift the cover of the unit and you should easily be able to slide out the filter. Give it a good spray-down in your shower or sink, let it dry and reinsert.

Note: drawing comparisons between the dirty air filter and your lungs will only make you feel sad.

3. Sleep on a fire hazard

I remember as a kid we used to have a couple electric blankets around the house. I’m not sure if it was better insulation or reports of people burning in their sleep that made them disappear over the years – but man are they handy on a cold winter night in China.

“Blanket” is a bit of a misnomer when it comes to the types most commonly found in Chinese supermarkets, “mat” would be a better term for it. But this less-than-100-kuai solution will assure you sleep cozily while the rest of the room toys with sub-zero temperatures. Switch it on an hour before bed and it’ll make that hard Chinese mattress almost inviting.

Note: Don’t forget to turn it off in the morning – burning down your apartment is a sure way to increase the wintery discomfort of your home.

4. Drink more hot water

Arg, I cringe every time I hear it. Sick? “Drink more hot water.” Cold? “Drink more hot water.” Thirsty? “Drink more hot water.” Stub your toe? “Drink more hot water.” I swear next to “Helloooo”, it’s the only English phrase some Chinese know.

However, if you’re sitting in a chilly apartment, few things will warm you up quicker than, sigh, drinking more hot water. What’s more, if you throw your heated beverage into one of those little glass tea thermoses, not only do you get bonus like-a-local points, you’ve got an impromptu hot water bottle.

Note: Advising others to ‘drink more hot water’ will get you unliked amongst your friends. Admit it, you like me just a little bit less because of it.

5. Fuzzy Foot Bunnies

Come summer, I unabashedly run around my apartment barefoot out of sheer spite to the ancient Chinese tradition of wearing tacky thongs in the house. Much to the frustration of my Chinese wife, it just never sat well with me wearing – what are in any other country – shoes in the house. My momma raised me better than that.

However, when flip flops switch to soft, warm slippers in autumn, I couldn’t be happier to don the domestic footwear. What I had previously thought were reserved for small children and grandparents, have now become part of my arsenal in fighting China’s cold winters.

Note: Wearing actual fuzzy bunnies on your feet may cause unintentional squeaking while walking.

So there it is – my Lost Laowai guide to keeping your expat ass warm here in the Middle Kingdom. Please share your own remedies below. Be warned, however, that any rich “I get danger isolation pay for working in this country” expats bragging about their apartment’s amazing heating systems will immediately be ridiculed and asked to kindly fuck off (out of envy, not spite, mind you).