As a white guy married to a Chinese woman, I’ve had to deal with my share of “The Stare” – the look other Westerners (mostly recent arrivals) give to … well… white guys in relationships with Chinese girls.
Sometimes it’s delivered as a plastic smile on the street, a nudge and whisper to a friend in a shopping mall, or an ignorant comment over dinner. I’ve even had a friend outright ask me if I’m with my wife because Asian women are more subservient than Western women.
And though it’s hard not to tear these people a new one, I do understand. I clearly remember having somewhat similar opinions when I first came to China and saw the commonness of white guys with a hot little Asian on their arm. My thoughts were rarely, if ever, that they were in a completely normal and healthy relationship.
This “yellow fever”, as it’s often called, is nothing China-specific. The idea of an “Asian fetish” is so common that it gets its own category of porn (I’ve been told).
For some reason that “fetish” idea is dumped onto all men (or women) in relationships with an Asian. I’m married to a Chinese, so I must have a fetish for Asian women.
Does anyone else see the massive gap in this logic? Asians aren’t a quirky sub-sect of sexual acts. How can they be brought under the same “Fetish” umbrella as things like sadomasochism, bondage, and feet licking?
So, if it’s not a fetish, and not because Asian girls are submissive housewives just begging to take care of their “man”, why is it there is such a high ratio of white guys with Asian women?
A new study (put together by an economist no less), offers this:
[after determining Caucasian men showed little ethnic preference when selecting a mate/date] … “We found no evidence of the stereotype of a white male preference for East Asian women. However, we also found that East Asian women did not discriminate against white men (only against black and Hispanic men). As a result, the white man-Asian woman pairing was the most common form of interracial dating—but because of the women’s neutrality, not the men’s pronounced preference.”
The study, done at an American university, may not be the best “international” example to pull opinion from, as most definitely regionality plays a huge role in how we feel about dating people of other races. It’s of little surprise that the study also showed that black and white couples were more common among people from northern US states than southern ones.
However, here in the PRC, this is completely dwarfed by the fact that as a single Caucasian person in China, the odds are massively in favour of me finding myself in a relationship with a Chinese person over someone of my own race, or any other race for that matter.
Falling in love is falling in love. If it’s with someone of your own nationality, culture or race; or someone of a different one – it matters little.
I think we all need to be a little more tolerant and a little less judgmental towards why people are together, and instead celebrate that multicultural and multi-ethnic love will go a long way in helping the world understand one another and respect each other, two things this little planet is in ever increasing need of.
Perhaps where we should be a little less tolerant and more judgmental, is towards people propagating stupid stereotypes that have no place in the globalized world in which we live.
Hear Hear! (But I do kind of like the idea of “Asian” as a fetish. It makes me feel kinky.)
I met my wife on the net. I couldn’t say that we met up because of a fetish, but more because I have always had an interest in China/Asia and found it compelling to write with a person from that area. In the end we hooked up and are now married.
I am pretty sure some of my friends think I have the “yellow fever”, “can’t hack it with a western woman†or whatever, but that’s not really the case. I like western women just as much, but that’s not how it turned out. As Ryan says, some times it is really “just love”. Not kinkier than that and no other explanation necessary. Sorry to disappoint those who find the other angle more interesting. :-).
dood. don’t be ridiculous.
of course your primary point is perfectly valid – that there’s lots of healthy and positive E-W relationships one can find, and that to paint every interracial couple with the same brush is unfair. no problem, 100% props to that.
but don’t for a second try to suggest that there aren’t certain fractions of 1. western sub-segments that have such motivations and interests, and 2. local sub-segments that are definitely interested in economic advantage provided by the percieved or real wealth and status of a western sugar daddy (or momma). come on. if you want to say that it’s unfair because this is only 10% or 5% or 1% of the population that’s fine, but don’t say it doesn’t exist. after 6 years I have always to met such characters across asia (not that I like most of them, but I know them…). they might not be the majority and you might be unfairly lumped in for sure, and I have good friends with healthy relationships, but I also have acquaintances with mistresses who are 1/2 trophies and 1/2 paid concubines. oh yeah, and a few friends whose mixed marriages fell apart because they were founded on flawed stereotypical assumptions on both sides (“I get petite sexy compliant asian wife” “I get rich western husband buy me everything, rich and happy”).
lastly please put the ‘ooh lookit me i’m the seasoned expat who knows it all so much smarter than these ignorant noobs’ card away. that’s so played. the jaded all-knowing expat is an ugly stereotype too.
@Donkeyfetish: I’m not at all suggesting that those relationships don’t exist, you can’t live here and not see it everywhere.
What I’m trying to make the point of is that they should be the exception, not the assumption, and in practice that’s not the case.
It’s always been my opinion that it’s better to be a “jaded all-knowing expat” than an unsubstantiated critic. Pots and kettles my friend.
But what are you on about mate? Because I said “I do understand. I clearly remember having somewhat similar opinions when I first came to China…” ?? That’s the only “seasoned expat/ignorant noob” bit I can see in the post, and the only one I’m criticizing is myself.
I absolutely had that opinion when I arrived in China, largely a carry-over from my time in Thailand (a place equally plagued with both the stereotype and the reality you mention).
I held that opinion until I was here long enough to get in a relationship with a Chinese girl, and saw it from the reverse. Saw how foreigners and Chinese made assumptions about us based on those stereotypes. She must be with him for the money, he’s gotta be with her because he can’t get tail back home…
Stereotypes exist for a reason, there’s a lot of truth in them. It’s ugly, it’s unfair, and it’s ignorant to the many shades that life comes in, but that’s the way it is. What I’m trying to express is that whether there’s a basis for that stereotype, there’s also a basis for killing it.
Ryan
The most important point; Chinese women and white males have beautiful babies.
Damn tragedy that Chinese men and white females have fugly ones eh?
didn’t mean to playah hate. or non-playah hate, as the case may be, in this case. clarification understood. re: jaded expats, perhaps I’ve been overwhelmed lately but the degree to which i’ve had to bump into omniscient cynical veterans lately, both interweb and live has perhaps put me on guard… seems like everybody’s Graham Greene these days. on the other hand, i’m reknowned as a cynic and cantakerous curmudgeon so you are correct, i certainly have my pot & kettle credentials in order.
Is alright 🙂 I don’t mind being part of a kink! I mean we’ve all heard of sticky rice, potato queen and all, right?
How about White women with Chinese guys?
@Donkeyfetish: What’s bonanza have to do with this? 😉 (little DD reference there for anyone that can place it). Re: brushing against omniscient cynical veterans… it’s like saying “ran in to some Chinese today”… haha. It’s in all of us. I think the difference is if it defines us.
@Paul: You got more stereotypes on you than a hi-fi with a keyboard. 😉 Always glad to have your input.
@Patrick: The WWCG thing also has a huge number of mis-guided stereotypes. White girls are “tai sui bian” and just want to fuck. Chinese guys are over-compensating chauvinists. Etc. Like all stereotypes, macro glances support this crap, but we are individuals, and as such it is far more complicated than stereotypes allow.
For all the weird looks I get for being white with a Chinese girl, I certainly don’t envy the reverse and the stares and stupid questions they must have to field just because of who they fell in love with.
Ladies?
Hey,are all the commentators above males? Let me quote Patrick’s remark “How about white women with Chinese guys?” See,I am a white woman who likes Asian guys! No need to explain the reasons. But do I get a “fever”? Then, all the western men and western women who tend to dating sites, like http://www.cncupid.com/photo/romance or japanesefriendfinder,or koreahearts, to seek Asian partners are seriously got involved in “yellow fever” or “fetish” or something that seem to be byproducts of oriental and occidental romance. Just ignore it!
Pingback: There’s No Truth to Yellow Fever « One-Eyed Panda’s Journal
Ryan,
My wife is Chinese as well. I don’t know about you too, but it seems she gets more flack from people about our relationship than I do, is it the same for you guys?
One thing I try to remember to say to people when they say things clearly over the line, is that the concept of race is shaky at best, and there isn’t much scientific foundation for it. But that usually doesn’t work, so I end up saying “eh, I needed to find a girl that couldn’t beat me up”. J/k honey!
aah but Chip if your wife is Chinese then obviously she knows Kung Fu, so from a stereotype perspective you’re just in more hot water!
@Chip: Definitely things get said to her face a lot more than to mine (but in that rather typically Chinese obtuse way of saying things). As for whether or not it’s actually “more”… hard to say.
@Donkeyfish: If only the entire Chinese population could gently prance across treetops like Michelle Yeoh and Chow Yun Fat… maybe I could then actually get on a bus without getting my foot caught in the door.
I love when she’s asked, “How do you communicate?” and she says, “we talk to each other”.
Root’s a root. Most girls around are Chinese, so I suppose most of us do the obvious thing.
“Damn tragedy that Chinese men and white females have fugly ones eh?”
You mean like Brandon Lee & Russell Wong?
Um yea, Brandon & Russell are 1000X hotter than you Ryan! EWWWW! And not only fugly..but bigoted and disssggusting too!
I feel sorry for all the cheap Chinese hookers who have to suck your tiny, stinky weeny for RMB!
Jen, it’s a basic assumption that you’re literate when visiting this blog – if you can’t follow who is saying what, then please shut the hell up.
I don’t even know who Russell Wong is. And regardless of that, my quote “Damn tragedy that Chinese men and white females have fugly ones” was being facetios – as I thought it was funny that jshngh45 only mentioned Chinese women with white men and not the reverse – which of course is the same thing… and equally as silly a stereotype – mixed babies are no cuter or uglier than non-mixed babies.
Wow, I just read rebecca’s blog and couldn’t stop nodding my head with every painfffuul point she made! She doesn’t pull any punches, but it has summarized my warped life up perfectly so far. To be perfectly honest.
I’m happy yet sad at the same time. I feel like I’ve been brainwashed my whole life but am really kinda lost now. Buttt, at least I am past denial!
I enjoyed reading your entry, Ryan. And your picture with your wife is really sweet.
I, having never dated outside my race before going to China, found myself in love with an African man. I have to admit that some of my intial attraction to him had to do with stereotypes. But my falling in love with him was on a personal level. Sadly, it didn’t work out and I’m now back in America.
Does this mean I will now only date black men? (Because they say “once you go black you never go back” and it obviously has to be true if “they” say it.)No. Am I attracted to black men? Yeah. Do I still like white guys, yeah. I even find myself more attracted to Chinese guys than I did before. Partly, because I got to get inside the culture and see them as people and not so stupid stereotypes.
I enjoyed my share of some flirting (after I lost some weight and learned to take care of myself which I think is more prevelant in China than it is in the States).
And some of the white guys I met there who dated Chinese women didn’t seem to want them exclusively. My next door neighbor was a sexist jerk and although he slept around with several Chinese girls, he still hit on me because “Chinese girls don’t have any tits”.
I think attraction, whether for lecturous reasons or otherwise, can be multi-racial.
And I will always love Jackie Chan, Chow Yun Fat, and Jay Chou (hubba hubba).
Well said Stephanie, the first bit at least 😉 I mean, Jackie Chan? The guy rocks my world, but I can’t see how he rocks anyone’s socks.
“I, having never dated outside my race before going to China, found myself in love with an African man. I have to admit that some of my intial attraction to him had to do with stereotypes.”
You mean lacking intelligence, having the highest STD rates in the world, cheating and being absentee baby daddies?
Yes, I agree. The most famous sexual stereotype about African men is to do with STDs. Not penis-size. No way. Not ever.
I know this must be true because I once saw an African man across the road. He was some distance away but I’m pretty sure it was a man.He looked like a dumb, disease-ridden and generally sub-standard absentee father with committment problems. But none of that mattered because he had an enormous penis.
I have dated a black “man” and the only thing he contributed to the relationship is my daughter. He was lazy, BROKE and still always depends on a woman to take care of him. I know this is just one example, however I know women that have experienced the same things as myself. Sorry to say but the stereotype is black men are broke, lazy and know that their chances of a white women taking care of them is pretty good.
Oh, and his penis was only about 5 1/2″, btw…
I honestly think that some black men date outside of their race because they know that a strong black woman is not going to tolerate a good for nothing, lazy a$$ “brotha”!
Hello Ryan.
Thanks for the commentary – always a rock and a hard place as a non-Asian having a long lasting/successful relationship with a woman who grew up in China and met me here in the states.
The rock: I would never have the guts/ball$ to reveal my true fetishes to the general public which invariably include women from just about every conceivable racial or ethnic background imaginable including my own that surround me for the most part from birth to today – I honestly could never imagine focusing those kinds of infantile passions on just a few segments of the world in my daydreams – snooooooooze – but I know it would make things more convenient for the gawkers and lablers. If I could just get the guts to reveal these, there might be a sizeable population of gawkers that would have to re-categorize me for being in love with my Chinese girlfriend – ah, but who has the time anyways – double snooooooze.
The hard place: not revealing stuff just gives rise…er, let me rephrase that – gives a quick and easy platform for frantic cyber idiots (or the occasional gawker at a party where I find myself a distinct minority) who dream that I’m another example of whitey with an “Asian fetish” invading the east. Of course, I notice none of the gawkers have the same ball$ to approach my girlfriend and challenge her intellect or ask her why she chose to be someone she out-earns at work or to ask her if she suffers from Caucasiaphilia, that critical lapse in Asian judgement that inexplicably assists her to show such horrible judgement as to fall in love with someone like me. Not that she doesn’t read the tripe in statewide Chinese newspapers about how I am part of a large army of plunderers armed with fools gold and empty promises – believe me, she hasn’t heard any promises of riches from me and she can spot fool’s gold a continent or two away – she’s safe with this particular whitey in terms of being informed – maybe too informed, but that’s one of my genuine character flaws as opposed to an imagined one involving “Asiaphiliaâ€. Well, she could still leave me for someone Asian, but my one shot at life has given me her for now at least and like my prior girlfriends whose ancestors came from Scotland, Africa, Germany, Ireland or England, she reminds me how fun it can be to forget all that fetish crap and just be – at least until an idiot gawker tries to disrupt the energy patterns around that “being†she and I are having.
Good grief, Charlie Brown – can’t a guy have his non-Asian fetishes AND his Chinese girlfriend too??? Must they be connected somehow in the name of cyber conformity and a Harmonious Society? I would seriously miss my dreams of Iman and Paulina Porizkova just to plead in a confession that I had an Asian fetish – triple snoooooooze.
Great stuff and thanks again Ryan.
@Dave: Great comment.
Ryan,
nice observations.
I myself am white and am strongly attracted to asian women. Not because I think they are submissive or that I can’t get anyone else, I just think they are the most attractive of all the races.
I am in a relationship with a white guy, and never once has he ever treated me differently because I am asian. It’s so nice to finally find someone like him, because growing up at home, I’ve always been the brunt of my peers’ asian jokes, or crude humor. He’s just understanding, and we’re both colorblind when it comes to love and internal affections.
I completely agree with the statement as well:
“the white man-Asian woman pairing was the most common form of interracial dating—but because of the women’s neutrality, not the men’s pronounced preference.â€
I have never once had a preference for the men I date even if there is NO diversity where I live, but again, that is completely irrelevent to true emotions. If only people on the outside could see that that’s the fact.
Thank you for writing this!
Asian guys who date white women in the US get the stare too..just in case you don’t know. Others like Dat Nguyen has to fight off bigots because white racist don’t appreciate him having a white wife. I’m just letting the readers know just in case they think only Asians discriminate.
“Asian guys who date white women in the US get the stare too..just in case you don’t know. Others like Dat Nguyen has to fight off bigots because white racist don’t appreciate him having a white wife. I’m just letting the readers know just in case they think only Asians discriminate.”
Most Asian men dont date white women because they are afraid of getting beat up.
some chinese women believe blindly that white guys have much more money and education.it is called媚外 meiwai(love foreigners）.some hopes white guys can bring them new lives they have never experienced.
George “Most Asian men dont date white women because they are afraid of getting beat up.”
STUPID…
Good Lord, as a Black “Man” living in China. I have never seen such venom! Nothing said at all. So if I say that all Chinese girls are gold digging, green-card wanting and jaded women, that would be okay? Now true enough, there are some women like that but would it be allowed to be posted and no one say nothing about it?
Even the study states the distaste of Blacks and Latinos to the Chinese women. Yet in still, I still see so many women drawn to Black men, how can this be?
People are people and individuals are individuals, but lets leave the hateful comments behind.
Not to be mean, just being honest and truthful here
there is a component to race in relationships whether you like it or not. Sexual relationship isn’t immune to race. fact is asian women have been sexualized so much in western culture its not a surprise your pairing exist. in fact some say it has historical reflection due to colonizations of asia
so if say China decides to colonize USA or other western-white nations, will white guys like you like this?
BJ Wills
black, latino, middle eastern …etc…non asian men/chinese are still put into categories. Look at how western media plays race card, so women there being drawn to black, etc are still means of selling the ” western” dream and ideals
Being attracted to East Asian women has nothing to do with colonization or “sexuallization” – that is a load of post-modern or post-colonial feces! I started being attracted to East Asians when I was in Highschool. Perhaps the fact that my HS was about 50% East Asian had something to do with it. I don’t think everyone else is necessarily the same as me in this regard, but when I was a kid there were virtually no references to East Asian sexuality in the popular culture and I was exposed to very little popular culture as it was – my knowledge of history and the dynamics of international relations was basically non-existant. I started to be attracted to East Asian women in much the same way that I started drinking tea instead of coffee or listning to classical music instead of pop – its a preference.
@Peter – Well put mate.
Hi everyone,
I’m not an expert of any sort, just an Asian American guy living in New York who’s had his share of experiences with yellow fever. I must respectfully disagree with Ryan, as I do feel that yellow fever exists, in some form or another. To be honest, my complaint is more with a certain type of Asian woman, rather than white men.
With that being said, I’m not saying that all relationships between white men and Asian women are wrong or messed up in some way. Love is love, as Ryan put it, and it is something that seems to transcend matters of race and religion. There are plenty of loving white male-Asian female relationships that I have seen, and I wish them well.
Still, I must admit that I have seen yellow fever at work, and perhaps white fever (for lack of a better term). I do know quite a few white men who buy too heavily into the stereotypical notion of submissive, exotic, and hypersexual Asian women—and thus make that their primary reason for dating Asian women. Additionally, I also know very many Asian women who, for various reasons, refuse to date “patriarchal”, chauvinistic, and overbearing Asian men, and instead prefer to only date men of a certain ethnicity.
Now these are all personal preferences, of course, but it becomes my problem when these people (particularly the Asian women mentioned before) try to force their mindsets onto me. I’ve had Asian women tell me to my face that they would never date me, because they find Asian men unattractive, unreasonable, and hypermasculine (or hyperfeminine). It is pretty disappointing, and though I’d like to say that I dont really care about others’ opinions, it does grate on my nerves after a certain point. More to the point, it is as if these Asian women are blaming me for their tastes—simply because I am Asian. Obviously, they are wasting their time, because, I am proud of my race, culture, and heritage, and even if it were possible, I would never change my ethnicity.
I suppose we could say that these Asian women are stupid, that they are misinformed, that they are just a small segment of Asian Americans and do not represent the whole. But I have found in my experience that this sort of women is way more common than rational, balanced Asian American women.
But why? Why are there so many? Unfortunately, I feel that this comment is getting too big, and getting way out of hand, so I guess I’ll end it here. If everyone else is interested in hearing the rest of my thoughts, then I’ll write them some other time.
Please understand that I’m trying to make a point based on my experience, and that I am not out to step all over everyone else. I apologize if I have stretched anyone’s patience, or if I have gone way off topic.
Thanks,
Will
Will, definitely a valid point and one that doesn’t usually get much mention in this debate. As I’m not an Asian woman, and have only met a narrow slice of Asian American (Asian-Western?) women I hesitate to even guess the reasoning behind the attitude that you’ve encountered.
Perhaps with most Asian cultures having an overly involved parental role in the relationships of their children causes the women in that culture to hyper-stereotype as a means of justification for their preference, and then that just caries over into a personal bias.
Whatever the cause, it’s pretty retarded.
“I think we all need to be a little more tolerant and a little less judgmental towards why people are together, and instead celebrate that multicultural and multi-ethnic love will go a long way in helping the world understand one another and respect each other, two things this little planet is in ever increasing need of.”
WOW.
A little self-righteous, don’t you think? How can you give any kind of a discourse on this subject without even mentioning the disparity between the number of western men to chinese women versus western women to chinese men?
The phenomena known as “Yellow Fever” does exist as a meme among foreign men in China who themselves are in relationships with Chinese women, and it has NOTHING to do with ethnicity and EVERYTHING to do with sexism. As a white male who has been living in China for 2 years now I can assure you its all too real, and more often than not propagated by overly zealous foreigners who have found their bliss with a Chinese/”Asian” woman. On more than one occasion within five minutes of meeting a foreigner in a relationship with a Chinese I have been asked the EXTREMELY awkward question – worded the EXACT same way, spoken in the EXACT same tone; “Ya got a Chinese girlfriend?” to which I respond “Uhh…no” – while thinking, of course “Is that really any of your goddamn business?”, “Is this the kind of question you would ask someone under normal circumstances back in your home country?” “If I were a woman would you be asking me right off the bat if I have a Chinese boyfriend or husband?”. Being a generally polite person and not much of an agitator I haven’t actually posed these questions thus far, but I am fairly certain I can guess the response.
Get lost, cracker boy! Ryan, you sound like a typical YT with yellow fever. The only thing you love about China is the tight asian pussy!
And do the Asian girls who like white guys look like this?
http://www.japansugoi.com/wordpress/japanese-bikini-gravure-idols/
Cuts both ways! It’ simple, people want to be with attractive people, no matter what race.