The Binge and Purge of Chinese Politics

Hi, my name is Zheng Xiaoyu, and the reason I look so happy is that I’ve just won a no-expense paid trip to visit my ancestors.

That’s right folks, I have been awarded the coveted title of 2007 Chinese Scapegoat of the Year – an honour unlike any other.

I mean, I had wished and hoped, hoped and wished, but was beginning to doubt I’d even get nominated. Now here I am, the winner!

Please don’t get me wrong, it took a lot of hard work to get here; I had to stay up late, drink buckets of baijiu (I know I’m Chinese, but fuck, does anyone like this stuff?), and come up with an endless number of creative ways to hide the money and gifts given to me for ignoring State Food and Drug Administration (SFDA) “practices” and polices.

In hindsight, as they were both runner-ups for the award, perhaps I should have chosen a better front for the bribes than my wife and kid – bah, screw ’em, the ingrates.

Upon my conviction I heard that the court rambled off some garbage like:

“Zheng was supposed to use the power given to him by the state and the people seriously and honestly, but instead he has ignored their vital interests … by taking the bribes.”

“This has threatened the safety of people’s life and health and has caused an extremely bad social impact.”
– via Yahoo

To this, I’d just like to say, WTF? Upon becoming the head of the State Pharmaceutical Administration back in ’94, I was never told I’d have to be responsible for all that crap. People’s lives? Health and safety? Social impact? This is shit that we’re just not trained for when pursuing a role in government.

But alas, like I said, I shouldn’t get ruffled, it’s a pleasure to win this award. See, I was just a retired old man when they came in the night to ‘prep’ me for the scapegoat ceremony. I had nothing ahead of me except drinking expensive tea while sitting on my sofa stuffed with the Mao images I’d been given for looking the other way – and isn’t the ‘other way’ a perfectly reasonable place to look?

See, I’m a patriot. I recognize that through acceptance of this award I will help calm the seething global tension over my country’s recent headline grabbing behavior with killer pet food, toxic toothpaste and infectious contact lens solution.

Though I was retired long before they discovered these problems, and really had nothing to do with the current situation, I understand that through my death others may go on living the life I grew comfortable in. Oh yeah, “death” is this year’s prize. I heard that they considered offering the option of a Wàn Pāida Package (fruit basket/extended trip to Xinjiang), but it was ruled out for expense reasons. Thrifty buggers.

See, I’ve never been much into housework, and Mrs. Zheng, she can’t even clean up after her damn yappy dog. So I carpet my house in various rugs. This way, I can just sweep the stuff under them and the house looks clean. It was this cleverness in the Party that drew me to the CPC in the first place. I admire the way they do business.

So, I’ll take the fall accept the award. I mean, I’m still not clear on what I did wrong, but that doesn’t really matter I guess. They blame me for allowing fake drugs on the market, but I thought drugs were bad, and surely fake ones are better than the ones that kill people, no?

I also heard mention of fake medicine – and of course that’s something we should take seriously – but don’t they have a government organization to assure all that?

As a closing, I’d just like to thank everyone that made this possible. The who and when I’ll leave out, but know that you’re support through the years has been what enabled me to reach this apex of my career. And it was Confucius who said:

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.

I sure loved my job.